So this is a post I’ve wanted to make for a while. Recently, I have been posting personal stuff on my secondary blog that currently I have set to private. I wanted to post this one to my main blog because it’s a little bit more important than just some random vent. I want to remind other people that it’s normal to feel certain ways, and that you don’t need to validate yourself to people who judge you. I’m going to write this as carefully as I can to make my points clear. Hopefully, other people understand… if not, at least this post will be a reminder to myself.
I’ve been told my entire life: you love the family you were given no matter what. Even when times get hard, and you turn against each other, you love them; you forgive them & you move on.
It has taken years for me to find out that you don’t have to love the family that you were given.
It’s already known through past posts that my mother & I have some serious relationship issues. I have for years carried a ton of resentment for how my mom treated me and my sister. Mental abuse is not something that you can overcome within a day, a month, or even a year. Overcoming an obstacle unto which has scarred you is difficult in every sense, and you have to find a way that’s best for you to get through it. I love my mom, truly I do. I’ve spent years building & rebuilding our relationship just for it to be torn down.
There’s a point where your mental health is more important than a relationship. My mental health is more important that having a mother. If she was caring, and loving, like she was when I was a child, this would be an entirely different story. But she’s not. She starts fights out of nowhere, and she frequently tells me and my sister that we don’t care about her, and then blames her outburts on loneliness and depression.
Now, here’s the thing. It’s really hard… I mean super fucking hard to get help when you are depressed. I was suicidal for a year after I left my mom’s house. I never asked for help. I didn’t tell my sister. She knew I was hurting. I was pissed off & moody and I couldn’t stop having this sense of wanting everything to end, it would be easier that way. I took it out on my sister, and I was wrong… and I apologized and I turned to her for help. My sister didn’t know what she was doing, but she walked me out of the dark by just being there for me. Listening to lengthy rants, having to deal with my break downs. But she was there. We talked every day and we still do. She told me she was scared for me, and it woke me up. I wasn’t alright & sometimes, I’m still not alright. But she helps me, and I know I have a problem. Depression sucks - and that’s a fucking understatement.
My depression stemmed from financial instability at the time, but mostly from my failed relationship with my mom. I blamed myself a lot for how things went down. I feared she would kill herself, so I had to stay with her. Take the mental abuse and just push it down so long as she was alive.
I allowed myself to be her punching bag for years. I let her be the victim, and sometimes I believed she was. But here’s this magical thing about the human mind, if you wake up in the morning, and you think today is going to be shitty day and the world hates you, that’s exactly what’s going to happen. If you wake up, and you accept things are going to go wrong, but you’re alive… things will be better. (That concept took me years to learn how to control. I don’t always wake up thinking the day is going to be good, but I wake up grateful to just be breathing.)
Here’s my main point. You can cut out family that hurts you. You can cut the cord and walk away from it to keep you safe.
I have done this on multiple occasions. I have gone months without talking to my mom, and in those months I was the most stable I have ever been. I let my mom back in after those good months, and it turned itself around and find that we are back to square one.
I’ve been told on numerous occasions “but she’s your mother”. Yes, she’s my mother, and she is the most unstable person in my life and she will drag you down to the deepest part of hell with her. You offer help, she lashes out at you because she things she is fine. She doesn’t have a problem. My mom is incapable of real love. She loves money, she loves her Xanex, and she loves her booze, but she doesn’t ‘love’ her kids.
My mom has dragged me down so many times, and I can’t keep falling into the cycle. I can’t keep falling apart. My mom is a poison, and I hate that, but I can’t keep hurting myself to be a part of her life, and letting her into mine just because she’s my mother.
I don’t talk to most of my family members, because most of them are toxic. I have my sister, one of my brothers, my sister in law, my nieces, and a select few friends. They are my family, and they are the only ones that I want. Everyone else I don’t consider family. I consider them attachments. They are my blood relations, but not my family.
I created my own family. I created my own stability.
It’s okay to walk away when it’s the only choice. You can stand and fight (which I did for years), but if they aren’t going to be open for change within themselves, nothing is going to get better. Don’t let yourself sink into despair because someone is dragging you down.
Family is relative word. Find your own & create your own happiness.
Maybe you think it’s wrong, but like I stated before, your mental health is more important than a superficial relationship assumed on you and another human being because the world perceives it as being ‘right’. If you have a parent, sister, brother, aunt, uncle, or just a general person in your life that is hurting you, guilt tripping you into not leaving, it’s okay to stop the cycle, it’s okay to say “no more”. It’s okay to put your foot down and walk the fuck away.
Your mental health comes first.